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Just four months ago, Ruth Fox was gripped in the depths of depression, self-harming and thinking about taking her own young life before it had even really started.

Fast forward to now, and 18-year-old Ruth, who plays for Cambridge United WFC, has just published her first book, “The Unseen Battle: One young footballer's struggle off the pitch.”

The searingly honest account of her own personal struggle with mental health problems is at times not comfortable reading – and that is precisely why it is so powerful.

There still remains a huge taboo surrounding mental health and Ruth tackles this with refreshing honesty as she shares her own personal experiences in the hope it can help others.

Ruth, who had trials with Watford and MK Dons as a young girl after impressing as an all-action midfielder, was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 14.

At the time she was playing for Kempston Colts, but by December 2013, she felt unable to carry on playing and took a two-year break from the game she so loved.

“My sister went to university and I just found that so difficult,” said Ruth. "I was just crying for hours on end and I didn't know why. Yes, I was sad that she had gone, but it was an overwhelming, all-absorbing sadness that I could not understand or explain.

"It was only when I refused to go to school that my Dad rang the GP and booked an emergency appointment for me. He saw that something was up and that was when I was diagnosed with depression for the first time, as a 14-year-old."

By December 2013, the impact of Ruth’s depression left her feeling “too weak on the ball and in a really bad place”, and she quit playing football.

“I spent two years away from the game and it was such a tough decision to come back, but I missed football so much that I joined Hitcham Belles, a local county team and then last summer moved to Cambridge United."

In November 2017, however, Ruth’s mental health had deteriorated to such a low point that she was on the verge of taking her own life.

"I sat in my bedroom and wrote my suicide letter and I planned to take my own life the next day," she said.

"I went to bed that night thinking this is it. I felt kind of a relief that I did not have to live with my demons anymore.”

But then Ruth started writing, and writing some more – finding that putting words down on paper was her release, her way of trying to make some sense of the nightmare of feelings she was living with.

“I wrote for myself, parts of my story no-one knew about and I found that by writing them down, helped me come to terms with it, clarified it. I simply could not sit with those moments inside me any more.

“I ended up writing ¾ of my book that first night. There’s some dark things in there where I talk about self harm and contemplating suicide so it does get quite harrowing to read.

“The most difficult part was reading it to my parents. I had to take that jump, that leap of faith I suppose, but after reading it to my parents and my coach Steve I thought it needed to reach a wider audience.

“Steve is the one who said that there were parts of my story that would resonate with other people and possibly help them. He told me to try and get it published.
“Amazon have published my book – but it did take me a good few days before I was able to press the ‘publish’ button and get it out there as I was scared.”

The support Ruth has received from not just her family and friends, but the extended ‘football family’ has been overwhelming for the teenager.

“My family have been great and the so has the club, whether in my darkest moments or when things are OK,” she added.

The support of one particular person has been as unexpected as it has been welcome.

Former Everton and Wales goalkeeper Neville Southall has been touched by Ruth’s frank talking and has on numerous occasions publically praised her on social media.

“What I’ve shared seems to have struck a chord with him” she added. “I am so grateful for his support as he has given me a voice in a way that I may not have before; he has shared my story and message and is helping me try to highlight what mental illness can do to somebody, whether you are a footballer, an athlete, a student, family member or friend.

“It needs to be spoken about and Neville has helped facilitate that. I just want to spread the word as much as I possibly can.”

Football has helped Southampton fan Ruth too, and she now is able to look to the future with real hope.

“When I think about where I was this time last year, it is incredible,” she said. “I was in a terrible place.

“Playing football has helped, and I am now excited about the future could hold. When I play football, I become the person that I want to be in real life - I become a leader. I want to work hard, I want to pull other people with me and alongside me. I also want to be in a stable and controlled place.

"Without a doubt, it has been the thing that has saved me. Football has been my escape and the place I can be myself.

"For those 90 minutes I can forget about everything that is going on in my head and simply play the game I love."

You can buy Ruth’s story on Amazon (Kindle version) here. 

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